We usually think we are totally devoid of toxicities. When we closely look at who we are we can notice times when we act in a toxic manner. Most of the A’s and B’s are toxic ways of dealing with stuff. We tend to chase those despite knowing that they are toxic cuz they are very “familiar patterns ” to our brains. We have been doing it since childhood ( though we didn’t work in childhood, we had groups where there was commenting, criticisms, and gossips). These patterns are so familiar to our brain that even in adulthood when we know what’s toxic and what’s not we tend to chase toxicity. We tend to fit in , we tend to try to get approvals from people we think are ideal. Because the human brain finds comfort in familiarity.
But why and how in the first place did we learn these toxic patterns ?
Why
Why because life throws us with challenges and stressful situations. When there’s stress at every stage of life our body and mind has a coping mechanism. Only that, different people have different coping mechanisms. Some with overreaction, drama, rage, fight and some with withdrawals, brooding, ghosting, etc. These coping mechanisms over a period of time of our life becomes our patterns of behaviour. Only some have a positive coping mechanism such as journaling and mechanisms.
How
And how – from our loved ones in our childhood and the people we surround ourselves with, supplement our toxic patterns in adulthood. This is something called as Co-regulation. I came across this concept in an excellent book “HOW TO DO THE WORK” by Dr. Nicole LePera. This books throws insight into how our adult patterns of behaviours is a result of our childhood experiences and how to release ourselves from those patterns.
Now, ok we see that we have some toxic patterns, we know we need to get out of those patterns but we DON’T. We keep holding on to these patterns. Like an addiction we cannot let go of these. -Emotional addiction.
Yes we seem to be addicted to those charged behaviours- rage, anger, fights, arguments, gossips, comments, criticism, complaining, overreacting, drama, etc. These behaviours are augmented by the content we consume on the media – the suspense , thriller TV series (If you are an INDIAN you would have come across some regressive series which glorifies a woman who tolerates emotional torture by husband and mother in law – according to these series only such woman who don’t stand for themselves are the only woman to be respected! And the husband who is rude to his wife is a hero !!!)Not just TV series, News channels – they project stuff like the world might come to an end today! Imagine the amount of stress and anxiety these shows put us into. During the second wave of COVID pandemic we saw few Suicides because of the fear of COVID. COVID didn’t kill them but the fear instilled by the content they consumed did. Still we consume such stuff. Even gossiping and complaining and criticism gives the same mental push as these activities.
These charged behaviours let’s in a gush of hormones in our bodies like cortisols. Our bodies and brains over a period of time are so accustomed that it cannot live without those hormones. And to survive our brains and body tend to chase those patterns which led to release of hormones. This gush of hormonal high is short durational. Once the high falls down, the body and brain crave for it more- how do we get it then — charged behaviours. So it kind of becomes a vicious cycle.* Ring a bell? Similar to substance addiction.
This is how the brain works when we chose mostly A’s and B’s in above questions
“Monday morning, I do not want to go to work so I feel so low about me and my life that I need something to charge myself up so I checked my mobile for someone else’s exciting happy insta posts. Or I need some controversial feed in FB to pick up an online argument. I need those anxious world news to get a push”
“Oh I got so late I feel so shitty about myself cuz I am always late. All because of traffic. Ranting about the traffic charges me. Over explaining myself will solve the problem. Ranting about my bad mornings gives me such a relief”
“Oh she so spent so much on her dress, oh he is planning to quit, oh he doesn’t deserve this job. Judging someone else makes me feel so better. Makes my ego feel I m the perfect. So I need to be charged up”
“Today’s work was so tiring, I don’t have any energy to talk to my partner or talk to my family. But I can binge on suspense thrillers or tv news. Because it makes me ignore my fatigue and though I am fatigued my needs to be charged up by those exciting shows and TV rants”
“Oh something about him/her bothers me. That’s so annoying. If I talk about it with him/her the issue will be resolved and there will be nothing for me to ponder upon or no emotionally charged moments. So I need to fight to prevent myself from getting”
These sound so awful. But yes, that’s how it looks when we engage in stressful toxic patterns. We neglect our self to the maximum. All we try to look for is an emotional high rather than a calm. It’s important for us to get out of such patterns and create a space for ourselves and others. It’s difficult but it’s possible. These toxicities not only affects our own self but also our immediate environment – our family, our work colleagues.
A lot of insight on Co regulation and emotional addiction in this post is from the book “HOW TO DO THE WORK” by Dr. Nicole LePera. I feel so grateful for coming across this book. It’s pouring insights into my self and it exactly fits into the self help book category.
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