Eyes and Escapes

Writing up after a long long gap.. Couldn’t write up cz you know how big fat Indian weddings are… So much to do so many experiences and feelings that confuse our brain 😂 it’s a beautiful experience yet very draining

I m writing this up because I m flooded with new experiences day in and day out. Its been a month and m slowly catching up with stuff. Now that i started to work again (so that I can keep myself occupied), it’s a whole lot of different experience. Earlier i used to work when i was single and there was nothing extra to think about except me and my work and now i have a hubby attached 😂

One of the most overwhelming experience that i came across is, it’s very very very extremely difficult for the newly wed woman to be herself, the way she loved (comfortable) and the way she was before.

You are constantly faced with questions like
– ” why have you dressed up so simple”
– “why are not wearing a saree”
– ” why are u not wearing bangles”
– “why no bindi”
– “why no make up”

Not that i don’t like dressing up. right from earlier days i js prefer to be comfortable and i do dress up when i have time , and whenever I feel interested. It’s not that i hate dressing up. .

Of all these the question that i hate the most is “why no make up”
I am a girl with dark ,oily skin.
“You don’t look fresh, u look so tired, why don’t u dress up at all”
Uffff
Why do people have a problem with all these.
I have noticed fair skinned girls don’t face any of these – You don’t look fresh, u look so tired, why don’t u dress up at all”
Not just girls even guys. I have seen fair skinned people who do not take bath for a day or two or don’t wash their face regularly yet no one says anything to him/her – because they r fair ? Fairness masks uncleanliness??

Dark skinned girls aren’t spared from societal pressure dressing up and getting a make up every day
We dont need a make up always to always look good. If u like make up and interested in it, it’s a kind of constructive work and feels happy ( i do like putting up make up sometimes whenever i am free) but make up is not my staple. All that we need is self acceptance and kindness towards self. We need to embrace the way we are dark /fair, oily or regular skin type

There’s a lot of societal pressure on lot many things post marriage. People ask you to do stuff day in and day out. We cannot control external pressures. All that’s in our hands is how we react, how we stand for ourselves and how we be kind to ourselves by setting up boundaries.

We don’t have to get angry at the society or anyone who is constantly behind you and telling you stuff to do. We need to make a choice. What we need. What our bodies and mind can accept. And say yes only to that which u feel is acceptable to u. But at the same time be kind to other person to whom you r refusing.

Things that work for me under such societal pressures

1) stay calm

Most important step for short tempered people like me 😬 any reactions sometimes even a response will spark an issue in many of households. The best we can do is a fake smile and a ha ha and say sure next time 😊

2) i don’t have to do everything that everyone says.

Repeat strongly in your mind that it’s not necessary to do everything everyone asks u to. Its not necessary to be people pleasing. Always remember that in our lifetime we cannot please everyone. All that we can do is what’s best for us and we are the best ‘knower’ of what’s best for ourselves

3) no one else knows you better than yourself

Heavy make up discomforts you? Too much getting ready in summer irks you? High pony gives u a headache? Too many jewels makes you uncomfortable? Who knows you better than yourself? No one stands in ur shoes and advice you. They do not know what is comfortable for you. So make a decision for yourself based on your own understanding of yourself.

4) you don’t have to always look good

Dark skin, oily skin, spectacles is just a variant of normal. There is no pressure to be perfect. Accept the imperfections. Acceptance of imperfections is a part of showing kindness to self and others.

5) be kind to yourself and to others

Dont blame yourself for not pleasing others. And dont blame others for putting up pressure on you. Both of you are in two different paths of life.

6) repeat in your mind “i am fortunate enough that the other person is not forcing you to listen to them or emotionally blackmailing you”

In that case the scenario would be totally different. Practicing gratitude helps.

Seems easy. But with practice we can really face such situations like a cake walk.
I am basically a short tempered person. I initially used to react to such triggers. Now with practice i have learnt this coping mechanism and i usually identify triggers and try coping up.